Finding Faith

I grew up in the capital city of the smallest province in a country far far away.  I was schooled in a convent where the catholic faith was drilled into me at a very early age. Along with religion, comes its scriptures and by the age of 16 I was more than a little bit acquainted with the Bible. However, as I grew up I learned that religion had its own prejudices and flaws. So I decided to go my own way and call myself a spiritualist – believing in God/Universe and doing good, but without any traditions, practices and certainly letting go of all God “inspired” scriptures that people often use to persecute others. However since I got back from overseas the second time around, I found myself being drawn to the very book I had shunned in contempt many years back. The Bible. Yes the thought of it at first made me very uncomfortable, but since I’ve learned to remove the “religion” factor from it, I have found it to be a remarkable guide that always speaks of believing and faith in the higher powers. In fact everytime I have randomly flicked through it, I would get a parable or story about having faith and how “what you ask for will come to pass if you truly believe”.

I have struggled to believe in faith for years. Faith speaks of trust and perhaps one of the very first lessons people learn and hold on to as adults is to “trust no one”. Thus we often hear sayings such as “trust in God but tie up your camels” or “I don’t trust (insert name of person) as far as I can throw them”. So given that society expects mistrust, how does one unlearn what they’ve learned and practiced for years? Also, faith involves letting go of reason and given we live in a cause and effect world, where we demand reasons for all actions and outcomes, how can one trust in a positive result which doesn’t have a proper explanation to support it?

I have given this concept a lot of thought and somewhat struggled with it more since I got back from my last overseas trip, a month and a bit ago. It’s been tough to understand where I stood regarding faith as I didn’t know what to believe. It became all too big of a problem a few days ago when I sat down and realised that everything I am hoping will come to pass, everything I am trying to make happen and everything I dream of, I don’t quite believe or have faith was possible. Yes I know that no dream is too big to fulfill and in no way am I wanting anything “impossible” or “strange”. Everything I want is within my power and means to fulfill, but the seed of doubt has crept so deep into me that I have been finding it quite hard to yank it out of my system.

So I am currently on a mission to conquer self-doubt and mistrust, because I have come to realise that the opinion that counts the most in life is the one I have of myself, and if I don’t have faith and believe from the very core of me that I am worthy of abundance and love, how will it ever manifest in my life? Plus, one of the very reasons for our existence is faith.. Faith that we will be better tomorrow than we are today. Faith that whatever we want we can achieve, (something I’m struggling to come to terms with at the moment) and most importantly, faith that everything will work out in the end.

So hopefully my next post is of how I’ve managed to rekindle the flame of faith within my heart again. Even as I write this I’m filled with optimism. I will get there, perhaps all I need is a little bit of practice..